


get out of the kitchen (and into my arms)

by seventhstar



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Competition, Cooking, Fictional Cooking Competition Show, M/M, No Actual Chefs Were Harmed In The Making Of This Fic, Role Reversal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 09:23:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13831230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seventhstar/pseuds/seventhstar
Summary: Yuuri and Viktor are contestants on Absolute Chef, a cooking competition show where professional chefs are paired with terrible home cooks to compete for the grand prize.A love story in five episodes.





	get out of the kitchen (and into my arms)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FullmetalChords](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullmetalChords/gifts).



> meg and i discussed this last night and i literally wrote it today. this is why i should not have friends.

[Sixteen contestants appear one by one on screen in chef coats and hats, posing improbably with knives and other cooking implements. Anya, the host, is heard doing the voiceover.

"Eight up and coming chefs. Eight bottom of the barrel home cooks. They'll be paired up to form eight teams, battling it out to prove their culinary skills. The winners will receive fifty thousand dollars each, an international vacation for two, a full set of first class culinary equipment from Okukawa, and the coveted title...of Absolute Chef."

The judges appear one by one. The host, Anya Popovich, appears with a cleaver in hand. Tom Bolicchio, tall, bald, and holding a bundle of flaming okra, appears next. Finally, Gordon Lamsey, with piercing blue eyes and and a pitchfork with bloody animal hearts on each tine, appears. They all face the camera and nod.

"If you can't take the heat...get ready to go home with nothing."

The words ABSOLUTE CHEF appear in terrible computer-animated fire.]

 

* * *

 

 

**[Initial team interviews, episode 1]**

_So, why do you want to do this?_

Yuuri: After coming in second on Top Chef, I want to redeem myself. I feel like mentoring an inexperienced home cook is the best way to do that...I think I do better when I'm not so focused on myself.

_What about you, Viktor?_

Viktor: For my dog!

Yuuri: Your dog?

Viktor: She has a terrible habit of stealing food, and since everything I make is atrocious, I'm worried I'll make her sick. She's the _best_ dog. Do you want to see a picture?

[Viktor opens his wallet. It unfolds to reveal several photographs of his dog, a standard poodle with brown fur. Yuuri looks besotted; after a moment, he takes out his wallet to reveal his pictures of his toy poodle.]

 

* * *

 

 

**[Backstage lounge, judging, episode 3]**

Yuuri: We're going home, aren't we. I fucked up. I didn't even notice you picking up that Chinese five spice...

Viktor: I'm sure it will be fine.

[He leans on Yuuri's shoulder. Yuuri starts to move him, then puts his head on top of Viktor's instead.]

Viktor: We definitely weren't worse than Michele. Apparently Chef Lamsey is _still_ in the hospital being treated for dehydration.

Yuuri: How do you know that?

Viktor: I heard one of the camerawomen telling one of the sound guys.

Yuuri: I didn't hear that.

Viktor: [smiles beatifically] You were busy crying.

[The winning team, Yuri and JJ, come back in. The remaining chefs and mentees clap for them.]

Yuri: They want to see you, piggy. And Mickey and Sara, too.

Yuuri: [sweating] Okay.

[As they go back to the kitchen for judging, Yuuri takes Viktor's hand. Viktor squeezes it back.]

 

* * *

 

 

**[Miniature challenge, episode 4]**

Anya: We're at the halfway point, and by now I'm sure you've noticed that some teams are more compatible than others. But since it is Valentine's Day, we're giving you a chance to start...a new relationship.

[An overhead light turns on, illuminating a table piled with pink, red, and white ingredients.]

Anya: Each team will make two romantic desserts out of these ingredients. The winning chef will have the opportunity to try to trade mentees with any other chef by taking them on in a sudden death cook off.

+

Yuri: Yes! I'm going to crush this challenge, and then JJ will be _someone else's_ problem. Finally.

+

JJ: What, Yuri get rid of _me?_ Please. I'm _JJ._

+

_Are you worried about being separated?_

Viktor: I'd rather quit than work with anyone but Yuuri.

Yuuri: [pale, sweating] ...yeah.

+

Anya: It’s time to see which of you will be working with JJ for the rest of the competition. So, Yuri, what have you made for us today?

Yuri: Filet mignon with coriander-garlic aioli, beet salad in ginger vinaigrette, mashed potatoes with basil and some of the steak juice.

[Yuri's plate is spattered with aioli, and his steak is misshapen. Anya cuts into the steak, then dips it in the aioli. She then tries a bite of the beet salad and a spoonful of mashed potatoes.]

Anya: I'll say this, it tastes better than it looks. Okay, Yuuri, you're up next.

[In the background, Viktor has both hands over his mouth. Yuuri carries his plate up to the table with shaking hands and puts it down with a clatter. Close up, his eyes are red.]

Yuuri: It's, uh, chocolate plum pudding, topped with a little candied prune and ginger.

Anya: Chocolate plum pudding?

Yuuri: ...chocolate prunes are Viktors’s favorite, so I thought...please enjoy.

[Yuuri's bowl is impeccable; the edges are neat, the pudding is creamy and smooth, and the candied topped has been cut into tiny hearts. Anya eats half the bowl before pushing it away.]

Anya: This is very…surprising.

+

_Are you relieved that you won?_

It means Viktor and I get to keep cooking together.

_And that's good?_

It's the best.

_How do you feel about him kissing you?_

No comment! [quietly] Viktor is too much sometimes...

+

_Are you relieved Yuuri won?_

I knew he would. After all, he hasn't taught me how to make katsudon yet. He promised.

 

* * *

 

 

**[Elimination challenge, episode 7]**

Anya: Chefs, mentees, this is your last challenge before the finale. You'll have to make one amazing roulade entree for humans...and one amazing roulade entree for dogs!

+

Yuuri: I've trained my _entire life_ for this moment.

Viktor: Makkachin will be so happy!

+

Yuri: No, I've never made dog food. I have a cat.

JJ: Isabella's always wanted a dog, so I think this will impress her. Besides, taking care of your pets is totally JJ style.

+

Michele: I'll protect Sara from the dogs.

Sara: They're therapy dogs! They're harmless!

+

[Anya, Tom Bolicchio, and Gordon Lamsey are sitting behind the judges' table. The guest judge is legendary Korean chef Seung gil Lee. The final three, Michele and Sara, Yuuri and Viktor, and Yuri and JJ stand before them in their chef's jackets. Viktor has a bandage on the side of his neck, and is holding Yuuri's hand. Michele is also trying to hold Sara's hand, but she shoves him and sticks her hand in her pocket.]

Anya: Chefs, it's time. Yuri and JJ, let's begin with you.

Tom: First off, the pork wrapping on your roulade was delicious. Perfectly cooked, evenly sliced. The inside I think you guys could have pushed more.

Gordon: Yes, the slaw, the heirloom tomatoes, the smoked cheddar, the maple-candied bacon, none of it was bad. But all of it was predictable. Why didn't you push it further?

Yuri: It was my fault.

JJ: It was a team effort—

Yuri: It was my fault. JJ wanted to make a more exciting dressing for the slaw, but I didn't trust him enough.

Anya: Well, maybe you _should._

Seung gil: You could have done with less slaw.

Tom: Seung gil, you always think there should be less slaw. Come on.

Seung gil: I'm right.

Anya: Your dog treat went over well, too. Obviously we didn't try it, but the therapy dogs ate almost all of it.

Yuri: Thank you, chef.

JJ: Thank you.

Anya: Next are Michele and Sara.

Tom: Your crab was atrocious. Just inedible.

Gordon: Grey, disgusting, crab. Those soggy apples dripping with cheap gin. The flounder was well cooked, as were the rest of the vegetables, but you couldn't taste them!

Anya: I couldn't take more than one bite. And your dog treat went completely uneaten.

Seung gil: It was confused. Who did what?

Sara: I cooked the vegetables and the flounder, and I plated. Michele made the crab filling and the apples.

Anya: Sara, you're the chef. Why didn't you help Michele?

Michele: My sister—

Sara: I did try to help him. I made a separate crab filling and I helped him with the apples. But Michele decided that the filling I made wasn't good enough, and while I was prepping the flounder, he threw it all away.

Michele: Sara—

Sara: No matter what I do, he always decides to ignore my advice and 'help' me. [She does the air quotes.]

Gordon: Michele, why don't you trust Sara?

Michele: I do trust her.

Tom: But you don't listen to her, even though she is way more experienced than you are.

Michele: I don't want her to have to worry.

Seung gil: Then you should stop being a burden.

Anya: We expect so much more at this stage in the competition. Yuuri and Viktor?

Yuuri: Yes?

Anya: Do you think you're on top or on the bottom?

Viktor: [cuts Yuuri off] Top! No, Yuuri, don't disagree with me, we've talked about this. They can't buy it if you refuse to sell it. I'm sure we did great.

Yuuri: I feel like I'm supposed to be in charge...but I do think it went well.

Tom: First of all, kudos to both of you for making a vegetarian roulade. Second of all, if you ever cook this again, you need to invite me over.

Gordon: I also would like to be invited, because it was smashing. The mozzarella was piping hot, the tomatoes, the basil, the garlic—whose idea was this dish?

Yuuri: It was Viktor's idea.

Anya: Really?

Yuuri: Yes, he said 'Let's make a Swiss roll but use cheese.'

Viktor: The tomatoes and basil were Yuuri's idea.

Anya: Well, it worked. And of course, no surprise that you two had the most delicious dog treat.

Seung gil: Princess liked it, too.

Tom: How's your injury?

Viktor: [touches his neck] It's fine. Thank you.

Yuuri: [holding Viktor's hand so hard his knuckles are white]

+

_Do you have any regrets going into the finale?_

Yuuri: It's my fault Viktor got cut yesterday.

Viktor: I have no regrets, even if I've been disfigured for life.

Yuuri: It'll look good. Like a pirate.

Viktor: Yuuri...

[They stare at each other without speaking.]

 

* * *

 

 

**[Finale, episode 8, Las Vegas]**

[The chefs and mentees have the evening off before the final challenge. Yuri and JJ come out of their room, both dressed formally. Yuuri is sitting on the sofa in jeans and a tshirt, waiting for Viktor]

Yuri: Hey, piggy, old man. JJ and I have reservations for dinner. You guys want to come?

Yuuri: No, we're going for drinks. Viktor has a favorite bar.

JJ: Have fun! See you guys in the morning.

Yuuri: Yeah, have a good night.

[He plays with a coaster nervously. Every few minutes he checks his hair in the mirror on the wall.]

Yuuri: Where is he?

[The door opens. Viktor is also wearing jeans and a tshirt. There's sparkle on his cheekbones and his lips. He smiles.]

Viktor: Ready?

Yuuri: Yeah. Don't let me drink too much, okay? Every time I get too drunk I do something crazy.

Viktor: Like what?

Yuuri: Like taking off my clothes and pole dancing on top of a Swiss underwear model.

Viktor: Chris?

Yuuri: You know him? Of course you know him. Look, cut me off after a couple glasses. I'd hate to wake up married or something.

Viktor: [blushing] Okay.

Yuuri: [blushing] Okay.

[Viktor opens the door for Yuuri. As the door shuts behind them, they take each other's hands.]

+

[It's the morning of the finale. The cameras are rolling as Yuri and JJ come out of their room. They're dressed and showered, with damp hair. They look awake and focused. They exchange fist bumps before starting on breakfast.

JJ: I'll make bacon.

Yuri: I'll make waffles. Save some for those two, I heard them coming back in wasted at three am.

JJ: Sounds like they had a good night.

Yuri: Hopefully they'll be too hungover to cook.

JJ: ...do you think they...?

Yuri: ...what?

[The door to Yuuri and Viktor's room opens. Yuuri emerges wearing an oversized tshirt and poodle-patterned pajama pants. His hair is even messier than usual, and there are bruises visible above the neck of his shirt.]

Yuuri: Morning, ugh. Coffee?

[Yuri pushes him a mug.]

Yuuri: Ugh. [He downs the mug in one long gulp. JJ stares at him.] Too early.

[The three of them dig into the waffles and bacon while they're hot. Yuri tops his with fresh fruit; JJ adds maple syrup; Yuuri slathers on butter and jam before putting half the waffle in his mouth.]

Yuri: Chew, piggy.

Yuuri: [swallows heavily] Ugh, my jaw is still sore from last night...

JJ: [whispering] I knew it!

[Viktor comes out of his room. His hair has been blowdried, but otherwise he's not up to his usual standard of appearance. He, too, has bruises on his neck, and the cut of his shirt reveals more of them on his chest. He joins them at the table, humming loudly, and reaches for the plate of waffles with his right hand.]

Yuri: Hey, what's with that ring?

Viktor: Nothing! [beaming]

Yuuri: [blushes violently] Here, have some coffee. [He pushes his mug at Viktor.]

Viktor: This is empty, sweetheart. [He gets up to refill it.]

Yuri: Oh my god. Fuck you! Fuck you both! [He storms out of the room]

Yuuri: It's for luck! It's just...I didn't...anyways, it's fine. [He eats another waffle.]

JJ: Congratulations. [He gives them his trademark JJ style hand sign.] Well, I gotta call Isabella.

[Viktor and Yuuri are left alone.]

Viktor: [sits back down at the table] Good morning.

Yuuri: [reaches out to touch Viktor's face] Good morning.

[They kiss.]

Viktor: You know, if we win, we can use the vacation for our honeymoon.

Yuuri: What do you mean, _if?_

Viktor: That's what I like to hear!

 

* * *

 

 

**[The Maldives, Katsuki-Nikiforov honeymoon]**

[Yuuri is applying sunscreen to Viktor's back as they sit under an umbrella on the beach. Two poodles, one large and one small, can be seen playing at the edge of the water, kicking up sand and running away from the waves. Yuuri and Viktor are wearing matching swim trunks; their rings gleam in the sunlight. Viktor's eyes are closed as Yuuri's fingers linger over the small of his back.]

VIktor: I still haven't eaten any katsudon.

Yuuri: I bought some pork while you were sleeping in.

Viktor: [lazily] Really?

Yuuri: Really. I hope you like it.

Viktor: Even if I don't, I'll eat every bite.

[Yuuri ducks his head and smiles.]

**Author's Note:**

> comment for more content that isn't me updating my wips

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Twist the recipe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15773742) by [GwenChan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GwenChan/pseuds/GwenChan)




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